Reflections
You know, since I found out that I'm going home for a bit in May - I don't think I've ever mentioned that - I've been thinking a lot about the life I left behind. There are so many aspects to it. I did and lived at a lot of different places in the 4 or 5 years before coming out here. The first place was Fair Havens. A Christian conference centre. It was my first "real" job. I had to live at the camp which was horrifying to me. I was able to come home most weekends, but by the end of the summer, I had made some good connections, and didn't come home as much. I don't know what happened, but when I came home, everyone in my youth group hated me. So much so, in fact, that I switched youth groups. To this day I don't know what happened. The other youth group helped me grow spiritually, but I didn't get a lot of life-long friends out of the deal. Enter my last year of high school, and possibly my best. I helped form a Bible study and made some really great friends. I ventured out of the library sometimes to wander the halls, and was starting to feel really good about myself. So good in fact that I lipped off a certain teacher, but I did it in such a way that he didn't realize it. Go fig. Suddenly summer came, and because I wasn't hired back at Fair Havens (I swept too slow), I had to find another job. It was a pick between Elim Lodge and a Salvation Army camp that I dreaded to go to. Elim Lodge it was. That summer I worked at a Snackery handling cash for the first time in my life. Actually, I think it was Drew who first walked me through a debit transaction. I had a lot of fun, but it definitly was not uplifting, and I came back spoiled, but bad spoiled...spoiled milk spoiled. I hung out with the wrong type of people, and it wasn't a good mesh. After summer, I started Emmanuel Bible College. My roommate was a friend from Fair Havens. For the first semester I was in her shadow, not because I wanted to, but because I really couldn't get away from her, and because she was so durn boy-crazy, that's who people thought I was too. Jenn Wallace told me a couple of times that she was afraid to be in a dorm with me the following year, because she believed that I was boy-crazy, and she said that it was Heather-Ann who told her that I was cool, or something of that nature. But before second year, I had to go back to Elim. It was a little bit better. I lived in a motel with a girl closer to my age, and stronger in the Lord. I no longer associated with the people that brought me down the year before, and my eyes opened to the problems that plagued Elim, but not all the way. I wanted to quit so many times, but I held strong. I remember Scott K. yelling at me during a blackout because Ruth had told me that the snackery phone worked, and the whole family but me was going to a big family reunion for awhile, and I needed to say goodbye to them. I went back to my room in tears and prayed for someone to come talk to me, and in walked my friend Amy. What a blessing she was! So the summer ended, and my second year of EBC was coming up and I was darn excited! I got my own room with girls on the floor that I liked. I have to say that my 2nd and last year at EBC was the best year of my life in some ways. I made some amazing friends, and felt so good about myself. My self-esteem was never higher. And it was then that I had to leave. I wasn't getting the education that I wanted/needed. So I applied to Rocky and was accepted. But I needed a job in the summer to get money. The last thing I wanted to do was go back to Elim, but guess where I ended up. This summer was the best summer, and the worst summer. Best because of the relationships made. Erica, Drew, Holly, Lisa, Allison, Jordan, Kathleen, Bob and Marcy, Andy. Worst because of the inner dealings of weak, human people. I was sick a lot of the summer, and because I never get sick, I was a little worried. I did a lot of tests, and nothing came up until Scott K. called me at home, and I began getting sick again. Actually, thinking about it doesn't make me all warm and fuzzy. I told this to my doctor, and she told me to stop working at Elim, and wrote me a note. It's hard to go to another province after making such good friends, but somehow I did it. And in the midst of it I liked a guy, a lot. We don't talk anymore. I prayed for that.I've realized that since coming to Rocky, I lost a lot of my self-esteem. EBC, we did our own thing, no one was trendy, and it was awesome. We all knew each other, and it was like a big family, especially in dorms. Rocky is probable more trendier than high school was, and sometimes I feel uncomfortable walking down the halls because I don't wear what everybody else does and I fell judged. Add that to the drama of Drama, and you get a very stressed 4th year who still has 2 years to go. It seems the amount of friends since moving here has gone down as well, and that hurts. A lot. I have made some friends, but the ones I lost leave holes. Well, that's it, those are my reflections, and that's what I usually think about day in and day out. I guess inside is just a broken little girl wanting to be loved
posted by Kim @ 12:21 AM
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